(D3, LE, Natsuko's room) A Private Ceremony

[Isawa Natsuko]

She picks up one daifuku with her fingers, eschewing the chopsticks. "I guess every new person is a possible friend or enemy. I suppose I do not know how to be nervous about that possibility when every decision and fallen branch creates a dozen possible futures all the time."

"But...I am difficult to upset, if that soothes you." She takes a bite of the sweet rice and red bean, rice flour coating her fingers and the red paste on her lips.

"Why do you only worry of your ability to be a husband and not fear that I will be a poor wife?" The question is asked with the same steady tones as everything else, only the slightest shift making it a definite question as her eyes flick from examining the bean paste to catch his gaze.

[Shiba Jiro]

"Because I have no control over that. I can't fail at you being a wife. I can fail at me being a husband. It will invariably lead back to my possiblity of failure when I am nervous or afraid," he explained.

He does similarly to her with the snacks, figuring it doesn't hurt to try things her way. And it's not bad, even if it's more messy than he is used to.

"My expectations of myself are always higher than my expectations of others. Speaking of, have you considered what you would expect of me at all? No pressure or rush, just curious."

[Isawa Natsuko]

She has thought about it, actually, and something within the conversation with Haru had led her in useful directions. She nods once.

"Patience."

After a pause, she adds, "for yourself as well, I think."

[Shiba Jiro]

He nods at that. "You will have it. Not that I didn't already intend to give as much patience as needed, but the asking tells me something about what is important to you." He smiles softly.

Sipping the tea, he sets it down and looks the rippling on the surface. He looks back up. "Would you like to talk about our pasts? It might help better appreciate the present."

[Isawa Natsuko]

"Thank you." She says simply and finishes her daifuku, brushing the powder from her fingers.

To the question, she nods once, and then again, almost to herself before her attention focuses on him. "What is it like growing up with someone so close to you? Do you ever forget where your edges are when someone looks so much the same?"

[Shiba Jiro]

"So... I don't think that we get lost in each other, so much as we're implicitly aware of each other. It's like being in water. I feel he is there, and he touches all of me, but there is a clear separation that somehow feels encompassing."

It was an odd thing. He knew it was. But it was also interesting to think about.

"The feeling is different from any other I have."

[Isawa Natsuko]

"You may find it less confusing to contemplate the void than many, with that pervasive experience of being separate but connected," she says, looking very slightly thoughtful.

"He seems a bit distressed at the thought that your paths may be physically separate in the future. Is that a concern of yours as well?"

[Shiba Jiro]

"I know he is. It stems from him being protective. Which was amplified by his training. I love my brother, but I think that one day he will realize that I am not going to fall apart and die if he is not around. That day will be the best day for him," he says with a shrug. "I'll always want him to be around, sure, but I didn't feel anxious when we were separate."

"Do you have any siblings? You mentioned you were not originally an Isawa."

[Isawa Natsuko]

"Do you think he feels the same sense of separation and connection that you do? It is interesting that it resolves in such different ways."

She considers the question for a moment. "I feel as if I do. Something in the void. A connection that feels a bit like me. But I do not know. I had not yet seen two years when I was...adopted." Her injured hand moves, fiddling absently with the cat netsuke attached to a gold and green cord looped through her obi, keeping her fan in place. "Among the Isawa, I suppose my fellow students are a bit like siblings."

"And you? Are there just you and your brother?"

[Shiba Jiro]

"I think that there is a spiritual difference to us that causes us to feel the world differently. Like, we both have somewhat obsessive natures when it comes to our training, but we also have fundamentally different feelings on fighting. Those differences existed before training and led to the selection of our schools. So it's a bit hit or miss on whether we'll feel the same about something."

He listens to her explain about her family and history. "So you... have only ever been in your school? No real memories of time with family? All the kids your own age were in a similar situation? Lot's of adults watching you constantly?"

"I don't know if you will ever meet that sibling, but you have gained a brother, mother and father. That I can promise."

[Isawa Natsuko]

She nods to his description of her raising, though..."Not all the kids. There are only ever a handful of us who were not born to the Phoenix and thus adopted entirely by the school. And not all are found so young."

Some shadow of feeling greets his promise. "Thank you, that is kind of you." For a moment, it seems she will leave it at that. Then she looks to her tea. "It is too late to be raised with a family though." Looking up quickly, her expression seeming almost startled to have said something like that, she quickly fills in more, "I should appreciate it though. That they are willing to accept me as family and not just part of some trade agreement."

[Shiba Jiro]

He feels a pang of guilt and sadness at her words. He knows he didn't put her in that school, but it...

They were in private, they were betrothed, and he was not exactly as averse to such concerns.

"You, didn't get much contact or support did you?" he says softly. "I can... be a bit much at times with that. I... feel vividly and want others to be happy. I think that it may take some getting used to. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, but I will likely cause you to be so from time to time. Just let me know if I do. For my part, I will try to remember to be more deliberate in announcing my intentions to avoid surprising you."

He takes a long sip from his cup and then sets the cup down. He places his hand on the table, palm up, then looks to it. "Will you place your hand in mine?"

[Isawa Natsuko]

"Small children require a good deal of contact," she says as she considers the thought of support. "There are friends, or...companions at least. I think, I was given the support they felt was needed to harness my connection to the void. It just did not teach me much about being part of a family." There isn't any strong emotion tied to the steady words. "Most students are not in quite that situation, so I suppose they do not see a reason to adjust around the few who are."

She watches as he lays his hand out on the table, then nods. "If you wish it," she says as she reaches with her good hand to rest very lightly on his. "I will try to tell you if I am uncomfortable. Though I am not sure that will be often."

[Shiba Jiro]

"When was the last time someone just held your hand or gave you a hug?" he asks, closing his hand around hers, gently at first, but becoming firm. He didn't really care too much about the answer because he knew that it had to be too infrequent a thing.

It was pity and sadness he was feeling. He could feel them both strongly, but he was now determined to find a way to identify and interpret any feelings or moods she had.

They gave me more than once duty here. Is this why I was chosen? Because figuring her out would need emotional training?

"What is your favorite memory from your school?" he asks with a slight smile.

[Isawa Natsuko]

She does not object to the hold, though her response is a slow, slight, eventual tightening of her own grasp, fingers cool though warming within that clasp.

"Those are not things much done in public. Small children need more tending. Otherwise...school is mostly a public space so why would there be much of such things?" Her own voice remains quiet and steady. These are things that are normal. She thinks a moment, of books and poems read. "I suppose such things are common between lovers. I am realizing few of the books I have read say much of anything about the private lives of families. Public dramas of battle and court, private dramas of lovers, mythic dramas of supernatural forces...those are common."

Her hand does not move as she searches memory for an answer to his question. 'The moment it that the connection between medicines and healing clicked together in my head. The way the elemental nature of ginseng supports those of the body, the way willow soothes the mind to still awareness of a wound's imbalance and thus eases away pains." Her words come a bit faster, trying to fit the complex flood of all those connections into something small and fitted to the limitations of words. "It just all connects and fits together in a beautiful way."

[Shiba Jiro]

I think it's a response of expectation rather than actual feelings. But... why am I being so diagnostic, he thinks in response to her squeezing.

While he speaks he makes small, but perceptible movements with his thumb and fingers. His hand moving in a way that he would hope was comforting for others, but didn't know how she'd feel with her less emotional response to it.

"The issue of contact is a complex one and I think that it's really just handled poorly in general. Why is it acceptable for two bushi to beat on each other in a dojo, all sweaty and dirty, rolling around and wrestling in an effort to better learn how to kill a person with their bare hands. Often with people looking on and cheering as well. But everyone looks away and feels uncomfortable if my brother is having a bad day and I give him a hug for a few moments to support him. From that perspective it looks like the empire is trying to actively discourage Compassion and promote violence. We practice the things we want to be good at. Why discourage practicing caring and love for others? At least that's my thoughts on it," he says with a shrug.

"And epiphanies and realizations are often very powerful memories. They are so... rewarding. I am glad that you have that," he says with a gentle smile and a nod. "And how do you view the portions of those connections that relate to the people you know? Their connections to you, and yours to them?"

[Isawa Natsuko]

"Because such expressions reveal more than physical altercations, I think...or more things that are otherwise easy to hide." She pauses to consider the question of Compassion, relatively solid ground for one bathed in Theological training almost since birth. "My understanding of compassion would lead to shielding someone suffering emotional upset from other interactions where their private pain might become public." Natsuko doesn't have much understanding of the wider social web that shapes and is shaped by these mores, but there is definitely a thread of power running through the different forms of interactions.

"The clans exert power in battle. Physical and overt. There is little sense in hiding what cannot be hidden. There are stories of hidden and dishonorable force such as poisons and sabotage." At least that is what she has gleaned more from history lessons and stories with greater and lesser grains of truth to them. "That training is not public to cheer for. I think the kinds of power wielded in court are in-between... and tied to why we don't express and touch in public...though I would have difficulty explaining it."

Her hand twitchs slightly, then stills as she shifts from reflex to simply using her off hand to carefully pick up her tea to sip. There is a pause to consciously check that it's held tightly enough, and it is set back down with a small thump.

"Those connections are very different from those of the elements involved in healing," she answers, without digging much deeper just now. "Has your school offered such memorable realizations? Rewarding ones?"

[Shiba Jiro]

"Perhaps one could see Compassion in that light. But sometimes the pain is so unbearable that any other emotional concern is meaningless in comparison. Consider the parent that loses a beloved child or a spouse that loses someone they have spent decades with. Their attachment and connection means more to them than the opinions of some people that think a public display is improper. Is it not less Compassionate to suggest that they are reacting wrongly to tragic heartbreak, as though they should care more about social mores?" He smiles at this suggesting that it's not something he is worried over, but rather simply questions about how the empire handles emotion.

"Also, we do cheer for public wrestling and training. We've made sport out of it," he says referring to sumai. "There would be no need for that if people were so strictly against touching outside of the context of war and battle. People crave contact in general, and yet deny themselves on principal. Even innocent contact between family and friends. Because there is somehow value in siblings or friends not showing affection physically? It's simply a very strange idea to me."

Moving on to the question of his school, but tying that in. "But then, my school possibly has ignited these thoughts in me. I realized a few years in that they were teaching me art in relation to emotion and feeling. I had held the thought that it was much like what the general idea is. That it was an outlet for one's feelings or emotions. And then I saw. I saw that we were being taught to recognize those feelings in others, particularly those that did not express themselves through art. To allow them to do so or to help them control those feelings by drawing their attention and guiding them with movement, creating peaceful sensations, instilling meditative ideas, and then providing small insights into their own concerns within the art we make for them. I was not trained to create what I want, but to create what you need. My art is supposed to be your art, an expression of your peace. So in a way, to create a connection between your spirit and my hands."

[Isawa Natsuko]

There is a considering pause. Blue eyes flicking slightly from one side to another as if reading or reviewing. After a short nod, she says. "I did not mean we do not cheer that training, but the other sort regarding poisons and sabotage. There are many things we may use but not put on public display. It is also hardly strange that there are different rules for it in different circumstances. Hitting someone in the practice ring is acceptable. Hitting someone over tea is not."

Something else makes her brow crease though, her fingers tense. "What makes you think people crave contact, though?"

Something about the thought of creating art that gives someone else's expression sparks a thought that needs a bit more stirring before she knows how she wishes to ask about it, so she hold on to that one for a bit.

[Shiba Jiro]

"Ahh, I misunderstood. Yes, there are plenty of things that are kept from public eye. But for most of them it is because they align in opposition to Bushido. Facing a difficult fight head on takes Courage, so circumventing it and killing with guile is not Courageous. I suppose if physical touch was intentionally tied to the sin of Desire it could be seen as bad, but that is too wide a definition, like saying tactical retreat is Fear, or apologizing is Regret. It's just odd."

Her tensed fingers find a hand that willingly bends to their command. He created tactile resistance, but not forcefully, simply letting her control the hand.

"And people are born craving contact. Babies cry, but stop when their parents carry them. Their minor injuries and scrapes become as nothing with some words and a parents kiss or hug. When they are scared they seek shelter with parents. And then those parents train that behavior out of them. The natural state of finding comfort in contact is visible to anyone looking at a child's behavior."

But they trained it out of you earlier didn't they? Fortunes...